1. Eat a bagel and don’t cry about it.
2. Don’t refer to your natural hair as seventies porn star pubic hair that’s been electrocuted. People never know how to respond.
3. Don’t eye fuck anybody.
4. Stop presuming that people are eye fucking you. You’re probably just breaking out.
5. Buy coloring books and see if regular usage increases your focus, IQ, or ability to orgasm.
6. Write down your dreams [to be burned at a later—more angry—but surely imminent, date.]
7. Take out books from the library on narcissism.
8. Incorporate chia seeds into your diet because people will admire you for it.
9. Also wheatgrass shots.
10. Try not to delete people’s numbers feverishly like a toddler when they aren’t acting in the way you’d hoped. It’s a tease.
11. Eliminate all actress-slash-models from your life, male or female.
12. Find something less lame to drink regularly than a gin and a tonic. Preferably something with street cred., i.e. purple.
13. Stop assuming that people know that “I hate you” is a sign of affection when it comes out of your mouth.
14. Listen to Prince more often so that you can be justified in your excitement that he’s now on Twitter.
15. Try not to say things like “You’re the daddy to my issues” to people you’re romantically interested in. It might help.
16. Polish your jewelry [read: the one pair of diamond earrings you own] because it is starting to look like they were found on the bottom of the ocean, in the Titanic [to be precise].
17. On that note, contemplate starting a band called Titan-tric Sex?
18. Find out what happened to Heidi Montag. Then read 50 pages of Adorno to cleanse yourself of all residual trashy residue.
19. Stop using Adorno as your go-to “but I’m smart, I swear” reference. Time to move on.
20. Start your own dictionary. Include words like “lube-rador” and “shroommates.” Because why the fuck not.
21. On that note, curse less. Be a lady.
22. Care even less about how you look these days and see how that works out for you. Foreshadowing: it works out very poorly. Rediscover make-up, a hairbrush. Be a lady.