1. Do not allow yourself to have any guilty pleasures even tangentially related to Miley Cyrus. You would be welcoming toxicity with open arms.
2.When you realize how wrong you are in the middle of an argument, don’t continue to argue your point simply because you hate being wrong. You look completely idiotic.
3. If you’re having a bad day, remember that the band koRn exists.
4. Try not to turn doing the dishes into some sort of monumental feat to be accomplished. You are not Sisyphus mounting the hill.
5. Don’t engage with people who talk about New York like it has the ability to cure stage five cancer or induce perpetual orgasms.
6. Try to make it less apparent that you’re miserable during family board games.
7. Or just avoid family board games altogether.
8. Don’t trust your gut. Ever. It hates you and will lead you astray.
9. Be less jaded, just generally. You’re 22.
10. Explore your hypothesis that ugly parents give birth to beautiful babies. Berate your parents for not being uglier.
11. Continue to not watch Breaking Bad just so you can revel in people’s extreme reactions to that fact.
12. Learn how to sleep like a normal person. Explore all drugs that may aid in this process.
13. Pretend not to know there’s a conflict in Syria just to set off some fun-loving liberal rage.
14. Try to listen to less rap music that glorifies treating women like the scum of the earth. Just try. Your feminist forebears would thank you.
15. Never spend long periods of time with people who listen strictly to EDM or wear Tory Burch flats. They’re bad for the soul.
16. Find out what happened to Aaron Carter. Then find out if he’d like to be a guest blogger.
17. Text your therapist less.
18. Stop overwhelming yourself with ideas. Be less motivated.
19. Get rid of the half of your wardrobe that you bought impulsively—thinking it would magically change your life for the better—and then never wore.
20. On that note, stop attributing magical qualities to material things.
21. Just because you barely have breasts doesn’t mean people can’t see your nipples through a white shirt. Consider a bra.
22. Not having enough time to read the entire newspaper is not cause for a panic attack. Calm. The. Fuck. Down.
23. Go to an herbalist because it feels like the right thing to do at this juncture in your life.
24. Try not to tell people that you think ellipticals are for pussies. 95% of the people you know use the elliptical.
24. Don’t explore the fact that you’re not as funny as you think you are—life’s too short for that.
25. Finagle your way into an NBA player’s crew. Consider your life an absolute success.