Welcome to the room where you are always the skinniest girl. Congratulations on your successful restraint! While you’re waiting for fulfillment, please take a seat near the back wall—you are too fragile for the center now, too delicate for the squishy masses.
Before we continue I’d like to hand out a preparedness kit, some necessities you’ll need for getting by as the skinniest girl in the room. First we have four sets of long johns for layering under clothing when you are inevitably always freezing. If you do not have a proper set of gloves, a scarf and a hat for all weather below 60 degrees, please see Giuliana before leaving. Second, we’re giving you a cocktail of sorts for the havoc you’re wreaking on your digestive tract: stool softener and Gas-X. Shitting becomes a challenge without excessive coffee, and you’ll be farting a lot, too. (There’s a reason we’re not handing out condoms, here.) For the sake of your thinning hair, we’ve given you a container of Biotin, though it won’t actually help while you’re at this weight—your body will resist it. Luckily, we’ve been told the placebo effect works wonders.
Now, your entrée into this realm of the elite can be jarring, which is why we’ve convened to help you through it. After years of comfortable self-loathing, feeling special is a difficult pill to swallow, especially when its origins are flimsy and not everyone can see the halo. Try not to fret about this; you don’t need affection from the outside world now (a sharp collarbone is more than enough). And anyways, all the men here are undeserving: they eat steak and desire women with breasts and energy. It’s disgusting.
So, I’d tell you to keep your distance but they’ll do the work for you. Enjoy receding into the background—it’s a gift, in the end. And when a handful of them, blinded to the artistry of your starvation, still attempt to touch you—do them a solid and pretend to enjoy it. Your nether regions may no longer tingle, but if the world can believe in Marnie’s estrogen, the world can believe in yours.
This will help you hone your storytelling, a crucial piece of the skinniest girl puzzle. You must work on a roster of excuses to be used when the damned dinner and drink requests keep coming—you can’t always be sick or tired, that’s too close to home and at odds with your denial. The easiest thing to do is claim other plans. The world loves a skinny girl who seemingly stuffs her face—she’s the unicorn of the modern world. The truth of the matter, for most of you, is much less interesting to them. Obvious restraint is un-American, so be sure to hide it with precision.
Now let’s circle back to the bedroom, where you’ll be spending most nights, wide-awake and happily alone. Think of the heart palpitations as a reminder of your sacred state, rather than a harbinger of decay. Eat a few almonds to assuage any concerns that you can’t fully get rid of. Those are mere remnants of your old, fleshy self, coming back to taunt you with her thighs and interest in chocolate. Ignore her and you might just forget she ever existed. You’ll forget a lot of things with proper time.
To help speed up the process, we’d like to conclude by passing around the goodbye box—a space for you to dump those things we absolutely cannot let you move on with. They will only hinder your ability to always be the skinniest girl in the room. Creative or work-related motivation must go in the box—you can’t afford to waste time in those arenas now. Let the gym be your new canvas! Dreams of procreation should also be sent here, as you will be relinquished of that odorous monthly mess you call a period. Ovulation is for the masses—and remember, you transcend them. Any other desires—for new adventures, whipped buttercream frosting, bacon, or the ecstasy that can occasionally come from sex—those should be thrown in here as well.
We’ll be burning your childhood dreams and any normal sized clothing in the backyard tonight at 7pm. Until then, please feel free to sit in the corner sipping your 8 glasses of alkaline water, meditating on your newfound perfection or simply staring off into space.